I've been absent from this blog a long time. But watching Glen Beck tonight I saw an interview with three ladies that have "come out of the closet" as conservative moms and have started their own blogs or movements for moms. I was reminded of the outrage and the aloneness I felt that lead me to start this blog last year. It's possibly time for me to get to that place again.

There's no place like home

Home. It's good to be back in my house and hometown after six weeks away. June and July did prove to be very restorative months. What a great summer. But, alas, the lazy days have come to an end and I began my new job yesterday. School for my son starts in a few days and then it will be back to schedules and carpools and grocery shopping. But, I'm excited for a new beginning and grateful for the lovely change of scenery I had for the last six weeks. I feel like a got to take a huge deep breath and let go of all the stress and ugliness of the last year. I can hardly remember what it felt like to be so overwhelmed by those two jobs. This is definitely a good thing!

Blues blues

Ok so after painting my wall the third time, I think I got what I want. Here's the difference. The first one is the lighter shade that I didn't think was right.

 

The second picture is the color I'm happy with. Finally. I'm obviously on vacation since I don't seem to have anything better to do than to obsess about paint color and redecorating the house.

 In two days, I'm going to get in our RV with two of my kids for a two week trip around Oregon and Washington. Haven't exactly planned out the itinerary yet, but it should be nice to have a change of pace. My family took a three month RV trip two years ago across America and we didn't want to quit. We became RV junkies. It will be interesting to see how we like it this time around.

Lazy Daze

I'm currently living the live of leisure at a vacation home for, gulp, six weeks. Yes, I fled my northern environs and have set up housekeeping here on the Olympic Pennisula with my three almost grown kids (Hubby is back home working for 4 weeks so we can afford this little piece of paradise). It's a wonderful spot, beautiful and peaceful and right on the water. I'm learning to take each day as it comes with no real agenda (well, maybe one or two "to dos" a day) and letting the kids do the same. Who cares if the 15 year old plays six hours of Xbox and is on the internet the rest of the time? The opportunities to stroll along the beach, ride a bike down the road, sit on a bench and watch the boats roll by are there for the taking. 

Me, I'm enjoying painting rooms that I've been meaning to for years, although I seem to be having a hard time picking the right paint colors. I think the kids think I'm crazy for going to the paint store everyday and repainting the walls twice. It's just a different vibe here and perhaps my personal color pallet is just off by a degree. I don't care. I'll get it right even if I have to repaint it again three or four times. Heck I got the time! So this first picture is the living room, which is one I've painted twice now. I like the beach-glassy color but I think it needs to be more denim or gray blue...

This is the guest room which is a lovely bright shade of coral. My husband thought it was too bright but I think it's pretty. We installed carpeting in this room too which makes it fee more cozy.

I feel blessed to just hang in the same room as my kids enjoying my 15 year-olds sweet teenaged presence, my 20-year olds days here on earth that are each a gift, and my 22-year olds wonderful creative companionship. I miss my husband who is my best friend but he'll join us soon.

 

I’m currently on a meandering journey through Washington, Oregon and California to visit friends and family. May has been a busy month. I shut down my business which I created and toiled at for the last year and a half. My day job with the school district ended for the school year but not before I interviewed and got another job within the district to begin next fall. My daughter graduated from college. My son gave us a scare and a trip to the hospital. My husband finally bought the boat of his (compromised) dreams after a five-year search. We started to live within a budget and the process of downsizing our other assets. I took a personality/strengths test and found out I’m just like I thought I was only now I believe it because a book told me so.  I feel a new turning in my heart, new beginnings in the works, a renewed confidence in my abilities, and a focusing of my beliefs and convictions. I feel June and July will be restorative months with the hope of freedom from plans and day-to-day commitments and the worries of what’s next. I really have no idea of what’s next but I’m at peace with that for the time being. Change is on the way and I have so little control over any of it that it’s just not worth the worry. I’m firmly in God’s protective hand and I can feel His gentle push from behind as He is guiding the events before me. My responsibility seems to lie in listening, swallowing the fears and pride I struggle with, and obeying those gentle prods. For now as I’m traveling away from and to family and friends I’m filled up with an immense love for those that have been and will continue to be the connectors and sources of joy in my life. 

Summer approach-ith

Well, I'm ending another chapter in my life. My two crazy jobs that kept me so busy and tired this year are both coming to an end in the next week. I decided to sell my espresso stand business and walk away from it. I wasn't making any money and it was wearing me down with mental to-dos when I wasn't there, and long days when I was. I gave it a shot for two years, it was successful, and now I'll move on to something else I guess. I decided that my school district job with benefits and working toward retirement benefits makes more sense in the long run. I will be trying for a job there with longer hours to accelerate that process - that was another reason for selling the stand. Don't exactly know what I'll be doing next school year but I definitely don't want to be doing what I do know. It's only budgeted for five hours a day, but I get up by 6:30a.m to get my assignment and many days work from 7:30-2:30 then I have to pick up my kid at 3:00 and get home at 3:30. So I'm away from home anyway for 8 hours a day I might as well get paid for it. I'm not sure I'll stay with the food service job. I love the fast pace and never stopping to look at the clock and of course serving is fun for me. But it's heavy work on my back and if I go for a manager in an elementary school I will be working alone, which is great in the sense I'm my own boss, is lonely. I enjoy working with people. Of course I'm so over qualified for all these job,s really, but not so on paper, so I'm stuck applying for nearly minimum wage positions . It's depressing but I guess it's just a job and something getting me toward retirement benefits so I'll press on. But I'm looking forward to the end of school and summer and relaxing for a couple months. Yahoo!

Gratitude

Last night I went to see "Monsters vs. Aliens," a 3D animated film by Pixar, with my 20 year old son. Just him and me in a half-deserted theater with a smattering of young families. It was cool and funny and goofy, and I drove home almost in tears filled with gratitude.  He's my kid-movie buddy. No one else will go to those movies with me anymore, certainly not my 15 year old or husband. We've recently seen "Bolt" and "Coraline" just really fun movies, no drama, or gratuitous sex or language.  But that's not why I was grateful. I was thinking how crazy blessed I am just to be having this time with my kid, my kid who was never suppose to live past two weeks, who has actually coded and had to be brought back to life with CPR three times, who I've prayed and cried and prayed and cried and prayed some more for through the most desperate and dark of times of my life. The prayers were simple - please just let him live, let me see him grow up and see who he'll become. And here I am last night sitting in a movie theater with our goofy 3D glasses on just laughing and enjoying ourselves. And I've gotten to spend every day for the past 20 years with him, and they've been mostly good, normal days of living, punctuated with a few horrific trips to the hospital, but on the whole he wakes up with a smile on his face each morning and shares his love of life with everyone around him.  God has not just answered my prayers, but has lavished me with the purest, most joyful person I'll probably ever have the pleasure of spending time with on this earth. My son.

the fantasy foreign tour

I'm sorry Mr. Obama. This is a Christian country. And you did bow to the Saudis. You sir and your administration are liars.

Cut it out

Wow, I haven't posted for a while. I've just been working long hours. I put in four 14 hour days in a row last week and, yeah, I was tired, but my young employees just couldn't stop complaining about how tired they were after two days of six hour shifts. Aye...I even cut my finger open during one of the 14 hour days and had to go to the hospital for stitches, and went back to work for another seven hours! My son wouldn't even offer to take a couple hours of my shift for me (which he was perfectly capable of but, again, he was just too tired). I could have made him but I'm so sick of pleading with employees and children to zip it up and just work. What's with this younger generation? Will they every have a work ethic?

Mr. Redoubt's fury

Check out this latest picture of the Mt. Redoubt volcano from the Anchorage Daily News. It's of lightning strikes during a nighttime eruption. Look likes hell to me. It's playing hell with Alaska Airlines flights which may end up canceling my daughter's return trip from Spring Break. 

Our hull is pressed deep

This guy was amazing. Do Brits just sound more intelligent because of that cute accent?

Could this guy just have Obama's ear for 3 minutes?

Oh so sleepy

Ugh. I'm so tired all the time. Getting up at 5:45 to get my kid to track practice, then working all day and then sometimes working a second job at night and all weekend. This schedule will be lasting for the next two months. I'm not sure....

Selling myself

Well, today I had an interview for a new job. Oh, the interview. Trying to sell yourself without looking desperate. Brain freezes to weird questions (how are people suppose to answer some of these questions?). But it went well. I had on my charming, friendly self. When all was said and done I don't think it's the job for me, and really, I don't think the interveiwer thought so either. But she did recognize that I might be more suited for a different job within the office which wasn't offered yet but she anticipated would be coming available. And she was right, I would rather have that job. But we'll see. It's all a process trying to figure out what I want to do and why, what would be better for the family, whether I even should be doing what I'm doing. What to be when I grow up. Oh wait, I am. Hmm.

912

I'm excited I found a new movement on the web - and it was started by Glen Beck, my new favorite conservative genius. Here it is: www.The912Project.com. And check out the video "Count the Promises Broken" on the site. Unbelievable why we're still listening to this guy.

The things we resort to

Ahhh, vacation. What is it about that break from reality that restores us? Even though I've tired myself out completely over the last two days hoofin' it around Disneyland, I still feel relaxed and rested as I sit here sipping my starbucks and looking over the LA Times (and I'm not even ashamed at purchasing a starbucks product - hey a girl gots to get her espresso fix). I love the mental break I guess, not thinking about tomorrow's job or grocery list or what homework my kid isn't finishing. Everyday life just gets soooo boring in it's, well, everyday routine. And I guess that's just life as they say, but a refreshing change of climate and routine are just what the soul requires every now and then. My spirit is thankful beyond measure for this window of rest.

Reflections on Fifty

Today I find myself not only 2300 miles from home but also a year older. I took my 14 year old son and took off for Disneyland to celebrate my 50th birthday. I was born and raised in California and spent many a family vacation at the "happiest place on earth" which, considering my family, they probably weren't that happy.  Fortunately time has mellowed my perception and I wanted to go back for my Big Day. All and all, it was fun reliving memories and introducing my son to some new ones (I could hardly believe we had never taken him to the park before). Though he had fun experiencing it all, seeing Disney through his cynical teenage eyes was interesting. Like he wondered why people with infants and toddlers would ever waste their money on it. I mean it's a ton of money to get in and what a hassle wheeling those strollers everywhere and no those kids won't remember any of it. And those dark and scary rides like Haunted Mansion (hey you get to take a "demon" home with you) and Pirates of the Carribean (what's more fun watch drunk outlaws pillaging a village?) are interesting. And by the end of the "it's a small world" ride he wanted to kill someone. Yeah, I'm not really down with the whole one, happy world crap anymore either. But maybe that's a 50-year-old's perspective.

LOL-ing alone in the dark

I rarely laugh out loud sitting alone in a room listening to an audio book. But "An Inconvenient Book: Solutions to the World's Biggest Problems" by Glenn Beck is just so hilarious. Narrated by Beck himself, which probably makes it at least ten times more entertaining, the book rambles through many political and social issues with fresh, in-your-face, sensible solutions to, yes, many of the world's biggest problems. Oh my gosh, soooo funny and makes me want to go slap some sense into someone.

ravi love

Babylon Is Doomed!

"Run up a flag on an open hill. Yell loud. Get their attention. Wave them into formation. Direct them to the nerve center of power."Isaiah 13:2,3 The Message

I opened up the bible recently and this was the chapter and verse it fell open to. It stirred my soul. I believe America, some call it the end-days Babylon, is heading down the path of doom and as followers of Christ we are being called to battle. And then I went to a Ravi Zacharias lecture last night. He's this crazy-smart, internationally known Christian theologian who's speciality is "apologetics" (the field in theology that aims to present a rational basis for the Christian faith). Anyway, it was a very global, very intellectual and a fascinating lecture(check out his web site www.rzim.org). I've been so hopeless recently about the potential destruction of our country under this new administration, and while he methodically outlined and reinforced my concerns he also gave me hope. Hope that we can turn this direction around if we all wake up. And we do need to wake up because it's not secularism that is going to replace the Judeo-Christian foundation of this country. It will be another religion, because secularism has no foundational truths, no absolute truths to stand on, or endure through crisis. He said it's already happening in Europe. Hmm, I wonder what religion he's talking about. Could it be Islam, the fastest growing religion in the world? Yikes. Me thinks a wake up call to all the lazy-boy Christians in America is overdue.

Rush to judgement

I'm still thinking about some of the things Rush Limbaugh said in his speech last week. Take the following:

"Let me tell you who we conservatives are: We love people. When we look out over the United States of America, when we are anywhere, when we see a group of people, such as this or anywhere, we see Americans. We see human beings. We don't see groups. We don't see victims. We don't see people we want to exploit. What we see- what we see is potential...We want the country to succeed, and for the country to succeed, its people - its individuals - must succeed. Everyone among us must be pursuing his ambition or her desire, whatever, with excellence. Trying to be the best they can be. Not told, as they are told by the Democrat Party: You really can't do that, you don't have what it takes, besides you're a minority or you're a woman and there are too many people that want to discriminate against you. You can't get anywhere you need to depend on us."

I'm really not a Rush Limbaugh fan, I can hardly take listening to his radio program, but damn, everything he said in that speech I agreed with. Of course the only sound bite you hear on TV is that Rush wants Obama to fail.  But I get what Limbaugh is saying. Obama's policies punish achievers and earners, the people who get up everyday and go to work. They make not only the wealthy but every achiever the enemy. Every government program I've seen at work is a complete bureaucratic failure. I've worked at soup kitchens. Giving people a free handout never makes that person want to achieve something on their own. Obama wants to take from the rich and give to the poor. These are not the founding principals of this country, or the principals I want to see succeed in this country. I'm with Rush on this one.

A Giant in the Woods

Did anyone see Rush Limbaugh's speech at CPAC tonight? It was awesome. Why can't the Republican party have a presidential nominee that can speak like that? In contrast to anything Obama is saying there was optimism, real solutions, and it actually made sense. It made me believe in America again.

Waiting to bloom

I went to a women's event last night at my church and the topic had to do with passion. Not that kind. She was saying that we all have longings for something, something to fill us with purpose and satisfaction. Something so deep and profound that no matter what we do to anesthetize it, or camouflage it, or deny it, the longing will eventually rear it's ugly head. And when it does, when we realize that nothing will fill that longing here on earth, where do we turn? Of course for a woman of faith, I obviously know that it's a God-sized hole that He is just waiting to fill up. I have been taught over the years that the hole was left as we stepped out of Eden because that perfect creation - man and woman - was marred by sin and separated from God. But now the separation has been filled by the sacrafice of Jesus and we are fully restored to that former glory. OK so even with all that esoteric knowledge, and really not just esoteric but something I believe deeply, I'm still left with the question. What is my passion, my longing? My longing for complete love is already filled by God and my passion is for experiencing that fully. But I do think He plants in us a passion for something outside of ourselves. For me, it's just there, under the surface, rumbling to get out but still unknown to me. I've been dead for so long in my life, my sorrow, my self-imposed busy-ness, that I've let it remain buried. But no more. Are others out there as determined as me to find their passion? I'm determined to find mine.

Trembling ground

I wonder how many people are as scared of this new political administration as I am. I'm creeped out by Obama's unquestioned popularity, by the one-party system he has at his beck and call, by the ease that the stimulus package was passed without anyone even debating it or even reading it. I saw this ad put out by this group call American Issues Project and it shocked me. The ground I've stood on in this country for almost half a century is shifting. I can not believe in this particular brand of hope or change

seedling

My thoughts, hopes and wishes for this blog are just in the germinating process at this point so they may be a little rambling to begin with. I'm just so upset about what I see around me and I need an outlet. Maybe this will fulfill that need, maybe not. The "ramblingwallflower" title is my vision of myself as a wallflower in this life - reticent and reluctant to jump in and even comment coherently on the world around me. I've sat on the fence too long and I've just jumped down and am getting my feet wet. Bear with me if you will.